Plenty of people don't like small talk, but it's widely disliked by many ADHDers. We might even call it boring, scary, unnecessary, or difficult.
What is Small Talk?
Small talk is casual, surface level conversation between people who aren't familiar with each other. We often use it to connect with others while avoiding discussing anything controversial or personal.
Small talk might sound like...
"How are you?"
"Crazy weather we've been having"
"What do you do for work?"
It's often a necessary step in forming a bond - but the way that ADHD brains work and communicate can make it seem mundane, pointless, and even disingenuous.
With ADHD, we see and interact with the world in very unique ways. We often get more enjoyment out of pondering & discussing deeper topics than base level small talk. We'd much rather discuss the societal implications of X, Y, and Z than how many siblings we have!
There are also many ADHD specific symptoms that can contribute to small talk being unbearable.
Difficulties with Sustaining Attention
ADHD brains tend to thrive on novelty and stimulation. Small talk, on the other hand, is often repetitive and lacks depth, which can make it feel boring or pointless. We might find ourselves thinking, "Why are we talking about this?" or wishing we could jump straight into a more meaningful or exciting conversation. It might be hard to maintain focus and follow what they're saying.
Impulsivity
Reading social cues and knowing when to jump into a conversation can be harder with ADHD. Impulsivity might lead to interrupting or blurting out thoughts before the other person is finished speaking. On the flip side, the fear of saying something at the wrong time can make us hold back, leading to awkward silences or missed opportunities.
We might find ourselves fighting the urge to interrupt because we want to change to a more interesting topic or we already finished their sentence in our heads.
Speech Processing Troubles
ADHD brains process verbal information differently - and many of us even have an Auditory Processing Disorder. We might have moments of silence while our brain is interpreting what our ears heard. This can disrupt the flow of small talk's back-and-forth rhythm. Processing difficulties can turn small talk into an exhausting task when we have to focus so hard on listening and decoding what they're saying.
Social Anxiety
Topping off our communication difficulties, ADHDers are often faced with social anxiety. We might micro-analyze the things we say in conversation and beat ourselves up for saying something "wrong" (that other people might not even be phased by). We might feel like our small talk isn't interesting enough and avoid it all together.
If you want to change how you approach small talk with ADHD, consider the following...
Start a list of topics relevant to the situation.
Come up with follow-up questions to keep the topic going.
Think of your answers to common questions ahead of time.
F.R.O.G. METHOD: Use this acronym to make small talk more interesting by asking them about their...
Family: "How did you meet your partner?"
Recreation: "What do you enjoy doing outside of work?"
Occupation: "What are your most and least favorite parts of your job?"
Goals: "What country would you most like to visit and why?"
Harness your ADHD strengths. With ADHD, we often excel in creativity, enthusiasm, passion, etc. Use these strengths in conversations! Remember that small talk doesn’t always have to be about traditional topics—infuse your personality and interests into the dialogue. Don’t be afraid to bring some energy and excitement into the exchange.
Discover your strengths & level up your ADHD symptom management game with my # 1 Best Selling book/workbook: "Activate Your ADHD Potential"
I hear you,
Coach Brooke Schnittman
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