We ADHDers tend to be passionate people with intense emotions. ADHD can play a significant role in how arguments start, escalate, and resolve - Whether it’s an impulsive outburst, difficulty following a conversation, or heightened emotional sensitivity.
Individuals with ADHD often experience the world in a heightened way, both mentally and emotionally. This can lead to conflict feeling more intense and overwhelming.
Emotional regulation is often more challenging with ADHD. Small disagreements can feel disproportionately upsetting, and it can be harder to manage the emotional highs and lows during an argument. This can lead to frustration boiling over quickly.
We can be quick to jump into defending things we believe in or care about after having to defend ourselves all our lives.
Impulsive behaviors are common in ADHD, and this can include our speech. We might say things in the heat of the moment without fully thinking them through, which can escalate arguments or hurt the other person unintentionally.
Sometimes we get into arguments but we think it’s a friendly conversation or debate. We tend to LOVE discussing the semantics and details of things!
But when we ARE invested in the argument, it can be frustrating when we get so hot headed that we can’t get our words out concisely.
Impulsivity combined with a racing mind often leads to interrupting during arguments. We might try to express our thoughts immediately, fearing that we'll forget our point otherwise. In these moments, there's a possibility that the other person might feel disrespected or unheard.
We often have perfectionist and black-and-white thinking, so we might spend a lot of time thinking about how things "should be". We may hold on strong to those opinions.
Following complex sequences or remembering the details of past conversations can be tricky with ADHD. It can be hard to keep track of all the points being discussed, leading to misunderstandings.
Sometimes we fixate on trying to figure out where the miscommunication happened. This might even start an argument by itself.
Arguments don’t always end when the discussion stops. For individuals with ADHD, the aftermath of a disagreement can be filled with rumination and self-doubt. We might replay the argument in our minds, overanalyzing what was said and worrying about the impact it had on the relationship. This can lead to a lingering sense of guilt, anxiety, or even shame, making it harder to resolve the conflict in a healthy way.
If you have ADHD and find yourself frequently getting into arguments, consider the following...
STEP AWAY Our brains often fixate on these problems but there are times that we HAVE to step away and come back later. This gives you space to process it outside of the emotions and their immediate input.
ACKNOWLEDGE EMOTIONAL SENSITIVITY Recognize that your ADHD may make you more emotionally sensitive. Share this with the person you’re arguing with, so they understand why you might react more intensely to certain situations. This can foster greater understanding and patience from both sides.
ESTABLISHING GUIDELINES In order to come to a conclusion, it can be beneficial to discuss boundaries and rules when hashing out an argument. Consider discussing...
When and what emotional state discussions should take place in
Taking turns speaking and listening without interruption
Using “I” statements to express feelings and needs without placing blame
If needed, reassurance before stepping away (For example: “I’m not going to leave you” “Nothing has changed”)
AGREE TO FOCUS ON THE TOPIC AT HAND Let the other person know that you may need help remembering this. ADHD can lead to the conversation spiraling off into different directions or bringing up past issues. When this happens, gently remind yourself (and the other person) to focus on the current topic and work towards a resolution.
POST-ARGUMENT REFLECTION After the argument, give yourself time to reflect. Instead of ruminating, try journaling or speaking with someone you trust to process your feelings. Reflect on what went well, what triggered you, and what you might do differently next time.
APOLOGIZE WHEN NEEDED Owning your role in the argument and explaining how ADHD may have influenced your behavior can help rebuild trust and understanding. If you recognize that ADHD-related impulsivity or emotional reactions escalated the conflict, don’t be afraid to apologize.
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Coach Brooke Schnittman
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