The Dangers of ADHD Love (Beyond Basic Forgetfulness)
- Brooke Schnittman MA, PCC, BCC
- 4 days ago
- 2 min read
ADHD love isn’t casual.
It’s not “let’s see where this goes.”
It’s emotionally all-in after one good conversation. And for many ADHD adults, that vulnerability gets misread, rejected, or used against them because the world isn't wired to recognize what neurodivergent love looks like.
RSD Makes Love Feel Like Survival
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria doesn’t just show up in work or friendships. It hijacks our romantic lives.
If someone texts back late, we don’t think:
“They’re busy.”
We spiral into:
“They hate me.”
“I messed up.”
“I’m too much.”
Our nervous systems are wired to over-detect threat. That means dating becomes a constant loop of scanning for danger and trying to earn safety, without even realizing we’re doing it.
Hyperfixating on the Excitement of a New Romance
ADHD brains crave dopamine. And in new relationships, everything is dopamine.
That’s why early attraction can feel like obsession:
We replay every word
We analyze every emoji
We stalk their Spotify playlist like it’s a puzzle to solve
We’re not “crazy.” It’s because our brain finally got quiet... and euphoric.
But once the spark wears off, we can feel confused, guilty, or ashamed for not maintaining the same intensity.
Cue the “what’s wrong with me?” spiral.
Love Bombing Isn’t Always Manipulation
Sometimes, the ADHD adult is just:
Over-excited
Emotionally flooded
Desperate for connection
Giving everything too fast
The problem?
Our nervous systems can’t sustain that level of emotional effort.
So we crash.
And when the energy isn’t matched, it doesn’t just hurt... it humiliates.
That mismatch can trigger shutdown, rage, or retreat.
Fantasy Relationships Are Real (And Unintentional)
When you’ve gone through life misunderstood, validation hits like a drug.
One good conversation and the brain goes:
“Finally. This is it.”
We don’t mean to build a fantasy around someone. But we fill in the gaps with hope.
We miss red flags.
We ignore the friction.
We over-read signals and under-name our own needs.
Our Love Languages Get Misread
ADHD love often looks like:
Rambling voice notes about a niche interest
Sending 12 texts in a row instead of one organized thought
Deep-pressure hugs or laying on top of you to feel grounded
Gift-giving with memes, rocks, playlists
Parallel play instead of constant conversation
We tend to love differently.
When partners of different neuro-types expect traditional displays (roses, eloquence, etc) it creates tension that looks like incompatibility but is really just miscommunication.
Advice for the ADHD Heart
Here’s what actually helps:
✅ If it’s confusing, it’s not secure
✅ Consistency is hotter than chemistry
✅ If the connection feels addictive… slow down
Also: try the 24-hour rule. If you’re tempted to send the big paragraph, overshare, or make the relationship your whole personality… wait.
If it’s real love, it’ll still be there tomorrow.
If your system remembers being hurt or dismissed, it’s context, not a flaw.
Your brain isn’t broken.
Your needs aren’t wrong.
But your nervous system deserves relationships that don’t confuse “intensity” with “intimacy.”
With Love,
Coach Brooke
