It's inevitable to sometimes encounter toxic behavior when navigating romantic relationships and even platonic friendships. But why do so many people with ADHD feel like we attract toxic relationships and narcissists like moths to a lamp?
ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder that influences how we interact and perceive more than we often acknowledge. Our inattention, hyperactivity, impulsivity, and emotional dysregulation all greatly affect how we interact with the world around us.
It's also important to recognize that ADHD affects each person differently, and no two individuals with ADHD will have the same experiences in relationships.
Craving Acceptance & Stimulation
Years of misunderstanding and negative feedback can lead ADHDers to crave acceptance and validation, sometimes from the wrong sources. Our enthusiasm and desire for love can make us trust quickly & forgive easily.
ADHD brains also crave stimulation due to our dopamine deficiency. We might love meeting new people and learning about them or even find ourselves seeking sex. The excitement of a new romance can cause us to quickly hop relationships or cheat on our current ones for the thrill of the chase.
All of these tendencies to impulsively seek excitement create perfect openings for narcissist to exploit us. It's not uncommon for us to be drawn towards charismatic individuals who initially seem thrilling but don't offer long-term stability.
The ADHD Tendency to People Please
ADHDers often experience people pleasing tendencies due to our symptom-driven sensitivity to the emotional pain of failure and rejection.
After a lifetime of being put under a microscope for our symptoms, we become very avoidant of criticism, especially from people who‘s opinions we value. So to avoid displeasing the people around us and facing judgement again, we often disregard our own boundaries, plans, needs, or emotional state.
What can people pleasing look like?
Apologizing, even for things we didn’t do
Saying “Yes“ before we have a chance to think
Frequently dropping all of our plans for anyone
Downplaying ourselves to uplift others
Struggling to express our true feelings, even when asked directly
Letting toxic people back into our lives
Feeling like we always "should have done better"Â for them
Hate asserting boundaries for potentially upsetting someone
Difficulties knowing what we truly want for ourselves
Beating ourselves up for things that we excuse others on
Neglecting our own needs to assist others
Hyperfixations with People
Hyperfixation occurs for ADHDers when we become almost unbreakably interested and captivated by shows, hobbies, and even people. It's not uncommon for ADHDers to develop a hyperfixation for budding romances, new friendships, or the people we are closest to.
When we hyperfixate on a person, they often become our top priority. We become fascinated with learning more about our person and spending as much time as possible with them.
Narcissists LOVE people who adore them and shower them in affection, making a heart-eyed ADHDer a prime target.
Love Bombing
It's fun to be in love! Most people can agree with that. But ADHD passion is strong - especially for novelty like an exciting new relationship. So we tend to love on a BIG scale. We often love to get creative, give a helping hand, and show our passion. All of this can come off as love bombing - even though our intention is often just to show our love, not manipulate.
ADHDers can be susceptible to narcissists who utilize love bombing to lure us in. It's like a love language of ours to show our big emotions so it often doesn’t feel disingenuous coming from someone else until it’s too late.
What can love bombing look like?
Rushing/skipping steps in a developing relationship
Frequent texting throughout the day
Frequently buying gifts
Constantly going out of your way to do things for them
Frequent grandiose acts of love
Frequent talks of commitment
Disregarding responsibilities and commitments to spend as much time with them as possible
Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a psychological method for manipulation. Gaslighters use repetitive lies to alter our perception of reality. They often use this method to make us feel crazy or in the wrong so that we remain under their control. They'll often use their emotions and the "fate" of your relationship to manipulate you.
People who gaslight tend to go for vulnerable targets and start with love-bombing before unleashing the manipulation. ADHDers are frequently targeted because we often have lower self esteem and - regardless of confidence - our brains get a serious dopamine high off of compliments and positive interactions.
Toxic Relationship Red Flags with ADHD
Disregarding boundaries
Don't believe in you doing things differently because of your ADHD so they force you to do it their way
Prioritizing their own emotions when you share how they hurt/offended you
Accusing you of being dishonest or cheating (Often projecting)
Assigning labels to you ("You‘re CRAZY" "Stop being LAZY" "You‘re so EXTRA")
Getting upset when you prioritize other relationships
Empowering Strategies for Healthier Relationships
Understanding these dynamics is a crucial step toward fostering healthier relationships. Here are some strategies that might help:
KNOWING WHEN TO CUT IT OFF Remember that the way a person treats you is more important than how you feel about them. It's NOT worth wasting your time, energy, and mental health on someone who only drags you down.
SETTING MORE BOUNDARIESÂ With ADHD, we're often so used to disregarding our own needs for others that we hardly know what boundaries even are and how to set them. Start with considering: "Would this be fair for me to expect from someone else?" We are often more compassionate for others when we should hold that same respect for ourselves!
BROADEN YOUR HORIZONS We’re less likely to put up with toxic behavior when we remember that we have options. Meet more people. Spark conversations with a strangers or find a community that shares your interests.
QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF to help determine if this person is toxic to your life...
What do I want from this relationship?
Am I getting what I want out of this relationship?
How do they make me feel?
AM I BEING MANIPULATED WITH LOVE BOMBING? It’s easy to get caught up in excitement and let things move quickly, but remember that real love respects boundaries and takes time. Manipulators don’t respect boundaries and don’t waste time on developing a true relationship.
YOUR DETECTIVE AGENCY Surround yourself with friends and family who respect and support you. A strong support network can offer perspective and help you recognize unhealthy patterns. Don't hesitate to reach out to mental health professionals who understand ADHD. Therapy can provide tools to manage symptoms and navigate relationships more effectively.
BUILD MINDFUL DECISION MAKING Do your best to take time to assess new relationships. Reflect on whether a potential relationship respects your boundaries, communicates openly, and shows empathy.
SELF-COMPASSION Acknowledge that everyone makes mistakes in relationships, and use each experience as a learning opportunity. You did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time.
It's essential to challenge the idea that individuals with ADHD are destined for toxic relationships. This belief can be disempowering and overlook the agency that each individual has in shaping their relationships. While ADHD can present challenges, it does not define our ability to build healthy, fulfilling connections.
You can learn even more ways to foster healthy relationships with methods developed for ADHD brains with my # 1 Best Selling book/workbook: "Activate Your ADHD Potential"
With Love,
Brooke
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