Am I An A**hole or Just Burned Out on Mistreatment? Empathy Erosion with ADHD

Ever find yourself caring less - about people, emotions, even your own values - then catch yourself thinking,

“Am I turning into an a**hole?”

You might just be burned out from years of mistreatment, masking, and running on an empty tank of emotional-protection.

When you’ve been trained to override your own boundaries to keep the peace, stay likable, or just survive, there comes a point where your system taps out.

ADHD brains are wired to feel deeply... Until they overload.

Empathy erosion isn’t a character flaw. It’s a nervous system response to too much gaslighting, people-pleasing, fake apologies, and unprocessed trauma.

This isn’t about being heartless.

It’s about your brain going into lockdown mode to protect you.

It’s Not a Lack of Compassion... It’s Survival.

ADHD brains are built for intensity. We feel deeply, crash fast, and recover slowly.

When you’re exposed to chronic misunderstanding, emotional neglect, fake apologies, or bullying, your brain eventually decides that feeling is too dangerous.

So it starts to shut down.

Not because you’re cold or heartless.

Because you’ve been overloaded too long.

What Empathy Erosion Looks Like

• Social

  • You stop caring about people’s moods, struggles, or experiences.

  • It's even harder to stay engaged in conversation.

• Professional

  • Cynicism replaces curiosity.

  • Enthusiasm completely checks out.

• Personal

  • You avoid vulnerability, with people you love and even yourself.

  • Numbness: You struggle to feel your own emotions.

• Ethical

  • You start justifying behaviors that don’t fully align with your values, just to survive.

If this sounds like you, it’s not your personality. It’s your nervous system running a defense play.

The Brain Behind the Shutdown

Under repeated stress, the prefrontal cortex (empathy/regulation center) goes offline, shielding our tender emotions with apathy.

Meanwhile, your amygdala (threat detector) stays lit up like a Christmas tree, alert to any potential danger.

That means:

• You're constantly scanning for danger.

• You can’t connect because you’re still trying to feel safe.

ADHD makes this cycle even sharper. Our brains are extra sensitive to rejection and hyper-aware of emotional shifts, so we hit overwhelm faster and harder.

How to Rebuild Empathy, Without Gaslighting Yourself

You don’t just flip a switch and start “feeling” again. This isn’t about trying harder. It’s about building safety back into your nervous system. Here's how:

1️⃣ Rebuilding Empathy

• Re-regulate before reconnecting

  • You can’t access empathy mid-trigger.

• Seek authentic reciprocity

  • Be around people who meet you emotionally halfway.

• Body-first repair

  • Breathwork, nature, eye contact, real laughter.

• Audit your inputs

  • Limit people or media that normalize cruelty or sarcasm.

2️⃣ Relearning (Safe) Connection

• Practice micro-kindnesses 

  • Daily, one act, one message, one small check-in.

• Name emotions out loud: 

  • Name yours and others’. (It reactivates empathy circuits.)

• Rebuild trust in doses: 

  • One safe person, one honest moment at a time.

Empathy erosion isn’t failure or losing ourselves (although it can feel that way).

It’s a nervous system scar, but healing is possible.

Rebuilding empathy is possible...but only if your body believes it’s finally safe again.

It starts with extending to yourself the same empathy you’ve been starving for and likely given others up until this point of utter emotional exhaustion.

Have you been bullied (or been a bully) & have ADHD?

I'm collecting data to better research this topic and I'd be so grateful for you to share in this anonymous Bullying and ADHD survey!

Take it Easy,

Coach Brooke