"Why can't you just get over it?"
ADHDers are all too familiar with the battle of letting things go. Whether it's parting with old junk, forgetting an embarrassing moment, or getting over something distasteful that someone said 2 years ago, it seems like our brains just can't ignore the strong emotional ties of some things.
We might replay the situation in our head, ruminate over what went wrong, or even obsess over how to fix it—all while knowing that hanging onto these thoughts is causing stress.
But why does this happen, and why does letting go feel so difficult for individuals with ADHD?
The answer lies in the unique way ADHD brains process emotions, memories, and stimuli. Let’s explore why it’s hard to let things go with ADHD and how you can manage this challenge with compassion and self-awareness.
Emotional dysregulation
One of the key reasons ADHDers struggle to let things go is emotional dysregulation. ADHD often amplifies emotional responses, making it harder to regulate and manage intense feelings. A small conflict or criticism that others might shrug off can feel disproportionately overwhelming, and those intense emotions can stick with us for longer than they would for a neurotypical.
Additionally, people with ADHD tend to experience emotions more vividly, which means that the emotional weight of an event—whether it’s frustration, anger, guilt, or sadness—can linger. Instead of being able to process the emotion and move on, our brain holds onto it, making it difficult to simply "let it go."
Low Cognitive flexibility
ADHD brains have a hard time with change and transitions, including mindset.
Cognitive flexibility refers to the brain's ability to adapt to new information, switch between different tasks or thoughts, and adjust responses based on changing situations.
This difficulty with mental flexibility often makes it hard to shift attention, move past emotionally charged situations, or let go of negative thoughts. It’s like being stuck on one mental track, even when we know it’s not helpful.
Perfectionism
Many people with ADHD struggle with perfectionism and harsh self-criticism. We may hold ourselves to unrealistically high standards, and when something doesn’t go as planned, it’s hard to forgive ourselves. This leads to obsessive thinking about mistakes or regrets, making it hard to move forward and developing the belief that we're overall inadequate.
When we feel like we didn’t perform well enough in a situation or made a mistake, it can become a source of intense self-criticism. Instead of letting it go, we may dissect the event over and over, fixating on what we could have done differently and punishing ourselves for not meeting our own expectations.
Hyperfocus on Intense Emotions
ADHD brains love riding the high of strong emotions because they produce chemicals like adrenaline that our brains are constantly seeking.
The ADHD brain is prone to rumination—repetitive thinking about past events or situations. Even though it might feel unproductive, the brain latches onto thoughts and replays them over and over. This hyperfocus, while sometimes a strength in certain tasks, can become counterproductive when it’s directed toward these negative experiences.
We might find ourselves fixating on small details of a situation, reliving a conversation in our heads, or obsessing over how things could have been different. This pattern of rumination can make it incredibly hard to break free from a thought or feeling, keeping us stuck in a loop of unresolved emotions.
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)
Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) can exacerbate the difficulty of letting things go. RSD is a heightened emotional response to perceived rejection or criticism. If you feel like someone has criticized or rejected you, it can trigger an overwhelming emotional response, making it nearly impossible to move on.
Even small perceived slights can feel devastating, leading to extended periods of rumination and emotional distress. Letting go of these feelings of rejection is challenging because your brain interprets them as much bigger and more significant than they might actually be.
RSD can replay moments of being judged or making mistakes on loop in our minds.
Looking for closure in a situation where it isn’t possible
Unfortunately there are situations where we simply cannot get the closure we desperately seek, so we're left with an empty feeling that our brains refuse to ignore.
People with ADHD may struggle to achieve a sense of closure. Your brain tends to focus on unresolved situations, and if you don’t feel like something has reached a satisfying conclusion, it’s difficult to move on. Whether it’s an unfinished project, an unresolved argument, or a lingering question, your brain craves closure but may struggle to reach it.
Without this closure, your mind can continue to circle back to the situation, seeking resolution even when there may be none to find. This lack of closure can keep you locked in a state of uncertainty, making it harder to let go of the issue.
Tips for Letting Go with ADHD
Label Your Emotions: Sometimes, simply naming the emotion you’re experiencing can help create distance between you and the feeling. When you notice yourself holding onto something, try identifying the emotion behind it—whether it’s anger, guilt, sadness, or frustration. By labeling the emotion, you can start to detach from it and process it more objectively.
Seek Closure Through Action: If you’re struggling to let go of something because it feels unresolved, look for ways to create closure. This could mean having a follow-up conversation, writing down your feelings in a journal, or even engaging in a symbolic activity like writing a letter to the situation and then discarding it.
Permission to Ruminate... On a Limit: Rather than trying to ignore, push down, and bottle up, give yourself permission to stew on the subject for a limited time. Allow yourself to reflect on it for 10 minutes, then try to shift your focus to something else like your favorite hobby or show. This can help you break the cycle of overthinking and make steps towards moving on.
When letting go of ITEMS: Ask yourself...
When was the last time this was useful or relevant to my life?
Have I used this in the last year?
Does it bring value to my life?
Does it bring me joy?
Is there a better use for the space that this occupies?
When letting go of EVENTS: Ask yourself how far away this moment is. A day, a few months, years? But it's not happening right now, is it? Most likely not. Therefore it's no longer relevant and is taking up precious thinking space. Remind your brain that it's time to throw it in the trash to make space for bigger and better things.
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All my best,
Coach Brooke